I took a month to reflect on life and I think that I am a better person. We get so caught up in comparing our lives to other’s or trying to look up what we should do that I think we miss out. I read a study about how people who are on social media more are less happy because they spend so much time judging and comparing… we get caught up in things that we have no control over and things that are in the past. The truth is that there is only now; there is no past and the future is yet to occur.
I’ve read memes about how other moms stay at home and give up their aspirations for the good of their family; about how their children are better because they are at home. I’ve read how money does not buy happiness… and I’ve let it go. That is where we get stuck in comparison. Our story is our own and we don’t have to defend our choices because they are ours to make. I hate being away from my family and, for me, the strength is in staying away. As I said above, the future is yet to occur but my family’s future is better, from where I am now, than it was two and a half years ago. I have had to gamble that the life I had will still be there when I return, that no one I love will die, before I can say goodbye, that my own health will hold up, that each drive home will be safe, and that my children will not resent me for having to be gone, to give them more. I’ve had to weigh that the “more” I can give my family is worth the sacrifice. For me, the answer is yes. I think that it is important to quit measuring myself and my happiness using someone else’s ruler.
I have also taken a month to only try and be healthy, not to diet, just to get myself back from the craziness of last semester. I am a perfectionist who needs order and I began something I needed the most order for, in my life, in complete disarray (and under water). All of my files that I had in order, all of my papers and folders that I had meticulously kept, all of my electronic files that I had organized… were just gone before I needed them. I had so much pop, candy, and energy drinks in a panicked state, trying to put together what I lost, until the day that my orals were over. I did not really sleep and, when I did, I woke up in a panic. Honestly, I was not even sure that I was going to graduate until my last grades came in from my finals (although, I am not letting myself claim my diploma until after my clinicals are over). My back and hips are still jacked (medically speaking) from either holding my car for the guy to get my cats, or from falling out of his truck, or from my fall after riding my bike to the DMV to replace my drivers license and I have really been focusing on just getting my 5 miles in a day, my posture, and staying moving; I have had to accept that I am not at the level that I was in kung fu, before all of this, but I am sure that I can get back. My goals have been pretty simple, to stay moving, to drink water, to take a vitamin, and to keep moving forward. Money has been tight but, if I go back and ask if “X” will help me achieve my goals, the answer is mostly no. Everything that I need, I do already have. I also have an amazing family that I am thankful for, who has been the backbone of my entire adventure.
One Year of Thankfulness 