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Our own journey…

I took a month to reflect on life and I think that I am a better person. We get so caught up  in comparing our lives to other’s or trying to look up what we should do that I think we miss out. I read a study about how people who are on social media more are less happy because they spend so much time judging and comparing… we get caught up in things that we have no control over and things that are in the past. The truth is that there is only now; there is no past and the future is yet to occur.

I’ve read memes about how other moms stay at home and give up their aspirations for the good of their family; about how their children are better because they are at home. I’ve read how money does not buy happiness… and I’ve let it go. That is where we get stuck in comparison. Our story is our own and we don’t have to defend our choices because they are ours to make. I hate being away from my family and, for me, the strength is in staying away. As I said above, the future is yet to occur but my family’s future is better, from where I am now, than it was two and a half years  ago. I have had to gamble that the life I had will still be there when I return, that no one I love will die, before I can say goodbye, that my own health will hold up, that each drive home will be safe, and that my children will not resent me for having to be gone, to give them more. I’ve had to weigh that the “more” I can give my family is worth the sacrifice. For me, the answer is yes. I think that it is important to quit measuring myself and my happiness using someone else’s ruler.

I have also taken a month to only try and be healthy, not to diet, just to get myself back from the craziness of last semester. I am a perfectionist who needs order and I began something I needed the most order for, in my life, in complete disarray (and under water). All of my files that I had in order, all of my papers and folders that I had meticulously kept, all of my electronic files that I had organized… were just gone before I needed them. I had so much pop, candy, and energy drinks in a panicked state, trying to put together what I lost, until the day that my orals were over. I did not really sleep and, when I did, I woke up in a panic. Honestly,  I was not even sure that I was going to graduate until my last grades came in from my finals (although, I am not letting myself claim my diploma until after my clinicals are over). My back and hips are still jacked (medically speaking) from either holding my car for the guy to get my cats, or from falling out of his truck, or from my fall after riding my bike to the DMV to replace my drivers license and I have really been focusing on just getting my 5 miles in a day, my posture, and staying moving; I have had to accept that I am not at the level that I was in kung fu, before all of this, but I am sure that I can get back. My goals have been pretty simple, to stay moving, to drink water, to take a vitamin, and to keep moving forward. Money has been tight but, if I go back and ask if “X” will help me achieve my goals, the answer is mostly no. Everything that I need, I do already have. I also have an amazing family that I am thankful for, who has been the backbone of my entire adventure.

 

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Bathtub thankfulness 

  • As I lay in the bathtub and reflect on the week, I am thankful. I began clinic and it was so much better than my false start last semester. I have a professor who likes to talk about “cognitive pie” and talks about things that can take pieces out of that pie. For me that was starting last semester with a crazy accident and losing everything that I needed before the most important test of my life. I could never calm down enough to think clearly and lived in a panic until the semester was over. We all choose how we react to the situations that are handed to us, or that we put ourselves in, and in panics, we react without clear thought. It takes a lot of strength to be ok with loss, or to put it better, to not be attached to material posessions or to non challenging situations. Anyway, when your cognitive pie is all eaten up, it is hard to learn and grow, plan, and react. 
  • I am so at peace this semester. I can breathe. I am out from under the weight of starting off in a literal disaster and not catching up until the last day. I feel competent again. 
  • I started my tai chi class again. I gave up the things that I loved to make time to be frantic. I am a little bit challenged because my legs go numb from bilateral sciatic nerve problems but they are no longer on fire, just my spine. I am hoping that qigong will help decompress that nerve because it really limits me in kung fu. I am thankful for renewed energy and drive. I hope that this drive and reduced stress will help me lose weight. I really let myself go and I want myself back. 
  • I am reading up on cognitive therapy for TBI currently. That is an area that I have struggled with, in the past, because I just felt lost; we get so little in the realm of cognitive rehabilitation. I am going to get back on this horse and own it. 

“Appreciation can change a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.” — Margaret Cousins

Two days left at home before a long trip away. I am thankful that I get to go and that I have people who have my back. I am thankful for my husband who does his best to take care of our house and the kids while I am away.

I had a fun night with the kids last night. I made them too soft brownies and messed with my oldest son on Facebook messenger. We matched two laundry baskets of single socks and threw the rest away.

I am really holding my breath for a callback on any of the jobs that I have applied for. We really need me to work.